Is the brand sticker still affixed to your sauté pan?
Is your wok used solely as a receptacle for potato chips?
Does your blender only see the light of day when Baccardi or Tequila is involved?

If so, then welcome to the Kitchen Virgin Club. But don't despair - you're in the illustrious company of Susan Reinhardt: syndicated columnist, spokeswoman for skewed southern bellehood...and one truly lousy cook. In this cleaver-sharp new collection of food stories, culinary missteps, and recipes from yummy to yucky, Reinhardt comes clean - way clean - as the unapologetic product of a long line of talented, fascinating, funny women who have regular brushes with homicide by pot roast. From "The Toaster Oven is a Bee-otch" to "When Road Kill Makes it to Mikasa," as well as the titular tale of the socialite who shaved her fuzzy greens, these stranger-than-fiction accounts will have you laughing until milk spews out of your nose. And for those inspired to graduate from Kitchen Virgin to Kitchen 'Tute, there's "Bone Apple Cheat!" - Reinhardt's own shortcut-to-real-food recipes. So next time you're tempted to make Taco Bell your last (okay, first) resort, crack open this book, have a laugh...and get cookin'.